The Dark

Hello!

I hope everyone is doing well! I have been doing much better. My doctor prescribed something to help me sleep, as I was having nightmares and trouble sleeping. I tell you, I completely forgot what it was like to wake up alert and rested. I swear, it's been YEARS since I've actually wanted to get up in the morning. Seriously, this is amazing to me.

Anyways, I went to the library today to pick up some library books I had put on hold, and it was probably about 8:30pm. Only the front half of the parking lot has lights, but the back part doesn't (the parking lot is only 2 rows). I usually park in the back since I have two legs that are very capable of walking...but it was dark out.

I've never been afraid of the dark until now.

I have no windows in my bedroom, so it's pitch black when I sleep and I'm fine with that. But today it was nerve-wracking to step out into the parking lot to my car which was shaded. I'm pretty sure it was because when I was assaulted, she came at me up the stairs from behind in the dark. I haven't been able to be outside in the dark the same way.

I used to love being outside in the dark because only then can you see the stars...and like every other 10-year old I used to want to be an astronaut.

Anyways, POSITIVELY, I can look at it like this. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm afraid to be in the dark; this will put me on guard and make me more aware of my surroundings which will also ensure my safety.  Another way I can look at this is to be conscious of what my fear is rooted in, and rationally explain my fear; I think this makes it less scary. I can't let one (albeit, scary) incident abolish my love of the stars or the peace of moonlight.

I can get into the metaphorical side of light and dark, but I'll leave it at this: I must be the light that guides me through this period of darkness.

And one of my favourite quotations: "There is not enough darkness in all the world to put out the light of even one small candle." -Robert Alden

Love Always,
~Christine~

Expectations and Feelings

Hello!

Welcome back...me! When I don't blog, I really forget how therapeutic it is. And I've really needed it these past few weeks.

So as a reminder...this is a blog about positivity. But I think that may have gotten me into some psychological trouble.

I got a job at a group home July 1st. I had never worked in the "field" of what I've studied, I just knew about group homes in a theoretical sense. As a result, I had different and naïve expectations of what it would be like. Friends and family asked, "Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" but I thought I knew everything. Like I said, very naïve.  So I worked a few overnight shifts, and nothing really interesting happened. Then I went on a vacation to Portugal which was great, but very different than I expected. So, to summarize: I have expectations, and they're not being fulfilled...this equals stress. Then it happened.

I was assaulted at work. I had to call 911 and press charges. HOLY SHIT. WTF.

I am angry. Frustrated. Hurt. Bewildered. I had a nervous breakdown. I should have expected it. Prepared for it. But I was in a state of mind where I had to be "positive" all the time...expect the best, not to worry because things always work out (I'll get to this one in another post), that bad things wouldn't happen to me because I have a bright future and I'm a good person.

The world soooo doesn't work like this. (I'm getting to the positive stuff in a sec).

So I've started seeing a counsellor. I didn't think I needed one before; I knew the theories and how it worked. I didn't need one...I could just counsel myself. YEAH RIGHT. 

It's actually amazing. I should have gone before, especially since it's free with the Blue Cross Plan I have as a City employee. I've come to the conclusion that I wasn't being positive in the healthiest manner. What I've discovered I'm doing is repressing my "negative" feelings (pretending they don't exist, thus bottling them away) and trying to replace the un-dealt-with void with "positive" feelings and rationalities. And I've noticed that I do this ALOT.

For example, I was feeling sad about being single. I don't like feeling sad...it's actually making me really uncomfortable even typing/admitting to this right now. But anyways, I would always just pretend I wasn't sad, and then remind myself of all the things I've got going on in my life (I'm moving to Australia in 4 months for medical school!!!) etc etc. And in all reality, it doesn't make sense to start any kind of romantic relationship right now anyways because I'm leaving so soon, but that doesn't make the sadness go away (or make it make sense). I pretended it wasn't there. But it was. It is.

So...I have to deal with these negative emotions and start expressing my feelings (this is a work in progress). As much as I don't want them to be there, they are. Apparently it's ok to be angry at someone AND appreciate them. I was differentiating them: I thought I shouldn't be angry because I appreciated them. But as my counsellor said, "Feelings ARE." I suppose what they are NOT is rational lol. But when they're dealt with, they go away and leave room for all the good stuff!! They don't bottle up like a little ticking time-bomb ready to explode at the tiniest bit of stress or trauma. And that's a very good thing. That's positive.

~Christine~ xoxo