The Dark

Hello!

I hope everyone is doing well! I have been doing much better. My doctor prescribed something to help me sleep, as I was having nightmares and trouble sleeping. I tell you, I completely forgot what it was like to wake up alert and rested. I swear, it's been YEARS since I've actually wanted to get up in the morning. Seriously, this is amazing to me.

Anyways, I went to the library today to pick up some library books I had put on hold, and it was probably about 8:30pm. Only the front half of the parking lot has lights, but the back part doesn't (the parking lot is only 2 rows). I usually park in the back since I have two legs that are very capable of walking...but it was dark out.

I've never been afraid of the dark until now.

I have no windows in my bedroom, so it's pitch black when I sleep and I'm fine with that. But today it was nerve-wracking to step out into the parking lot to my car which was shaded. I'm pretty sure it was because when I was assaulted, she came at me up the stairs from behind in the dark. I haven't been able to be outside in the dark the same way.

I used to love being outside in the dark because only then can you see the stars...and like every other 10-year old I used to want to be an astronaut.

Anyways, POSITIVELY, I can look at it like this. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm afraid to be in the dark; this will put me on guard and make me more aware of my surroundings which will also ensure my safety.  Another way I can look at this is to be conscious of what my fear is rooted in, and rationally explain my fear; I think this makes it less scary. I can't let one (albeit, scary) incident abolish my love of the stars or the peace of moonlight.

I can get into the metaphorical side of light and dark, but I'll leave it at this: I must be the light that guides me through this period of darkness.

And one of my favourite quotations: "There is not enough darkness in all the world to put out the light of even one small candle." -Robert Alden

Love Always,
~Christine~

Expectations and Feelings

Hello!

Welcome back...me! When I don't blog, I really forget how therapeutic it is. And I've really needed it these past few weeks.

So as a reminder...this is a blog about positivity. But I think that may have gotten me into some psychological trouble.

I got a job at a group home July 1st. I had never worked in the "field" of what I've studied, I just knew about group homes in a theoretical sense. As a result, I had different and naïve expectations of what it would be like. Friends and family asked, "Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" but I thought I knew everything. Like I said, very naïve.  So I worked a few overnight shifts, and nothing really interesting happened. Then I went on a vacation to Portugal which was great, but very different than I expected. So, to summarize: I have expectations, and they're not being fulfilled...this equals stress. Then it happened.

I was assaulted at work. I had to call 911 and press charges. HOLY SHIT. WTF.

I am angry. Frustrated. Hurt. Bewildered. I had a nervous breakdown. I should have expected it. Prepared for it. But I was in a state of mind where I had to be "positive" all the time...expect the best, not to worry because things always work out (I'll get to this one in another post), that bad things wouldn't happen to me because I have a bright future and I'm a good person.

The world soooo doesn't work like this. (I'm getting to the positive stuff in a sec).

So I've started seeing a counsellor. I didn't think I needed one before; I knew the theories and how it worked. I didn't need one...I could just counsel myself. YEAH RIGHT. 

It's actually amazing. I should have gone before, especially since it's free with the Blue Cross Plan I have as a City employee. I've come to the conclusion that I wasn't being positive in the healthiest manner. What I've discovered I'm doing is repressing my "negative" feelings (pretending they don't exist, thus bottling them away) and trying to replace the un-dealt-with void with "positive" feelings and rationalities. And I've noticed that I do this ALOT.

For example, I was feeling sad about being single. I don't like feeling sad...it's actually making me really uncomfortable even typing/admitting to this right now. But anyways, I would always just pretend I wasn't sad, and then remind myself of all the things I've got going on in my life (I'm moving to Australia in 4 months for medical school!!!) etc etc. And in all reality, it doesn't make sense to start any kind of romantic relationship right now anyways because I'm leaving so soon, but that doesn't make the sadness go away (or make it make sense). I pretended it wasn't there. But it was. It is.

So...I have to deal with these negative emotions and start expressing my feelings (this is a work in progress). As much as I don't want them to be there, they are. Apparently it's ok to be angry at someone AND appreciate them. I was differentiating them: I thought I shouldn't be angry because I appreciated them. But as my counsellor said, "Feelings ARE." I suppose what they are NOT is rational lol. But when they're dealt with, they go away and leave room for all the good stuff!! They don't bottle up like a little ticking time-bomb ready to explode at the tiniest bit of stress or trauma. And that's a very good thing. That's positive.

~Christine~ xoxo

Sweet

Hello!!

My, my, my, it's been a long time!! I'm truly sorry about that. Things have been INSANE!! April was a time for exams...2 A+s and 1A...yes all I did was study and stay up until 6:30am lol. Very crazy. May was a time for birthdays (4 of them in my family alone!) and for thinking. June was a time for scrambling!! I'll explain.

So...the previous post about not being there for Easter next year...well, that's going to be a reality. I'M GOING TO MEDICAL SCHOOL IN AUSTRALIA!!! Holy shit! This explains all the pensive thoughts of the previous months and wanting to be happy etc. My schooling will be very expensive though...it's going to cost me approx. $50 000/year for tuition alone (yikes!); so June was the month to scramble to arrange finances. But I have to do what makes me happy, and having my life finally on track makes me really happy.

This is a massive change though, and one I'll have to adapt to. I have no friends or family down under, so this will be a solitary journey. I still have much to think about, but I'm determined to look at it positively. I mean, I get to study medicine and prepare for the best job in the world in a sub-tropical climate, an hour away from the beach!! I get to study in a place where it rarely goes below 15C!! My school is ranked 28th in the world for medicine, and Princeton ranks at #27...I can't ask for more! So, although this is bittersweet, I'm going to focus more on the "sweet" part. :)

~Christine~

Changes

Hello!

I hope everyone had a great Easter! As my family and I sat down to have dinner and said a prayer of thanks, it hit me. I may not be there with them next year. Don't worry, I wasn't thinking morbid thoughts. But I'm going through some life changes, and I honestly don't know where I'll be a year from now.

Changes. I've never been one to like change. Change is terrifying to me.

But the only way I'll be able to get through these changes is with a positive attitude. There are always two sides to every story. There are also two ways to react to something. Either positively or negatively.

I choose to react in a positive way. Everything happens for a reason. I must have faith and believe that there is something bigger and better that I don't yet have the vision to see. As you can probably discern, I'm in another pensive state...these are happening more frequently than before! lol Maybe it's because I'll be turning 25 in just over a month...quarter of a century lol.

I have been thinking over the past month that I'm not where I want to be in my life; had you asked me 10 years ago at the tender age of 15, I would have had my entire life planned out. Well, that went to shit lol.

But I need to revise my thinking. I shouldn't be thinking where I'm not...but where I AM! I have opportunities that others don't, and I have to be grateful.

The key to positivity: Gratitude

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~

Being Happy

Hello!

So I have a new goal. My new goal is to be happy. I'm going to do whatever and anything that makes me happy. That's it. I think everyone should do whatever it is that makes them happiest...most of the time lol. I mean, I don't want to say that in general, because to a serial killer that means killing people...and that's not good! But for the general population and those who are mostly sane...do whatever makes you happiest! I love music. I love the art of writing music, composing music, playing and singing music...I just love music. And I love feeling music...feeling it pour through my body, and just feeling it. Given this, I also love dancing. I'm not a "dancer" by any means, but I love moving my body to music. So I went to a belly-dancing class tonight. I've done it before a few years ago (you'll come to know that I've tried alot of stuff before lol) and liked it, but never really got into it. I had so much fun! And that's exactly what I needed. I needed to just have FUN, you know? And it made me happy. Watching my God-given hips (I think He may have given me more than my fair share, but I digress haha!) sway in perfect sync with the music was just amazing haha. So I think I'm going to sign up for more classes!

I think when we do things that make us truly happy, we can't be anything but positive. You can't be in the middle of something you absolutely love doing and are enjoying and think negative thoughts...it just doesn't happen. Any negative thoughts I harboured before the class completely dissipated while I was in it. So this is a new goal of mine, and I'm excited about it!

Now, I thought of including something about removing the things that don't make you happy from your life, but it's more complicated. Adding something positive  results in more positive (+ and + = +). But removing something negative...also results in positive (- and - = +). However discussing the removal of something is really a negative thought. And I mean, realistically we all have to do things we don't like to do. So, I'm not going to talk about it. But if something is truly making you unhappy, either think of a way to do it so that it doesn't make you unhappy (ie: work) or just get rid of it from your life.

Life is too short to be miserable!! Don't waste precious time on things that make you miserable...this is also a recent revelation!

Thanks for reading!! xoxo

~Christine~

Patience

Patience is a virtue.

And one I'm not familiar with lol

I've never had much patience for anything...whether it be for a Barbie when I was little, or to learn something new. I always want everything NOW. My mom used to say, "Good things come to those who wait" as a way of teaching me to have patience. And it has, because I probably would have gone stark-raving mad by now! haha

But I do find I'm praying to God for patience more often than I'd like. I volunteered tonight and one of the girls was in a bitchy mood. She's the one who really wants to learn how to play, and she was getting catty. I don't like telling her to mind her manners...I just told her to "chill" a few times which seemed to work, but she was frustrated, and then I was frustrated...so alot of praying was happening in my head to just have patience with her. I know she's capable of so much more, but I have to be careful not to push and to just be patient with her.

My education is another example. I want to go to medical school NOW....but that isn't happening now, and God only knows why. Everything happens for a reason, right? That's how I'm keeping positive about this. Things take their own time to develop, no matter how hard you try to push. And if you do push it, alot of the time you're just pulling it backwards or just fucking it up entirely. Sometimes you just need to back off and let things happen on their own. So, I'm going to take my own advice and just chill out...let things progress on their own...let life progress on its own. I will work hard and I WILL get into medical school. It will happen. I will go volunteering and be there for these girls, and things WILL progress. I just have to let it happen in its own time :)

Lots of love & thanks for reading!!

~Christine~ xoxo

Confidence

Hello!

Alright, let's get into this business. There's this saying, "You fake it till you make it"...and I believe it's true.

I had a presentation to do Wednesday for my psychopharmacology class, and I'll be honest, I left it to the absolute last second. I finished it, but didn't have time to practice the delivery. So, I walk into class, chat with my classmates for a bit about school, men, and life in general lol and then I go up to the front of the class to do the presentation. I said a little prayer, told myself that I have a good vocabulary and should be able to come up with synonyms on the fly (prof hates it when we read the presentation) and winged (word??) it lol. AAAAAND the prof didn't tear me apart when I was finished like he did last time!! So that was a really good thing. So, moral of the story, I faked it, told myself I knew what I was doing, and it worked.

This is related to one of my earlier posts where I said that when you repeat something to yourself, you inevitably make it real. Like I've said before, this works for positive and negative things. Had I gone into that presentation thinking, "SHIT, how am I going to do this?! I'm totally gonna bomb it" I wouldn't have done nearly as well. So, I've come to the realization that I should be confident in all things I do. I usually am with things I can control, like my work, school, etc. lol. I mean, I can control myself, but I can't control the reactions of others. I can control what I look like, what I say, how I act...but how do I know how I'm received? This is where I lose confidence. And I don't want it to sound like I'm constantly monitoring all these things, because I don't. And I generally don't care what others think, but there are special circumstances where what a certain person(s) opinion of you matters (think prof/interviewer/boss/significant other), and that's where my confidence cracks.

But I've had a revelation. I can't control those things lol and I just have to accept it!! I need to know and believe that I'm an intelligent, accomplished, beautiful, awesome person...and I am!! I'm an incredible woman. I have purpose in this world. I rock. And you do also. Don't ever forget that :).

Lots of love & thanks for reading!

~Christine~ xoxo