The Dark

Hello!

I hope everyone is doing well! I have been doing much better. My doctor prescribed something to help me sleep, as I was having nightmares and trouble sleeping. I tell you, I completely forgot what it was like to wake up alert and rested. I swear, it's been YEARS since I've actually wanted to get up in the morning. Seriously, this is amazing to me.

Anyways, I went to the library today to pick up some library books I had put on hold, and it was probably about 8:30pm. Only the front half of the parking lot has lights, but the back part doesn't (the parking lot is only 2 rows). I usually park in the back since I have two legs that are very capable of walking...but it was dark out.

I've never been afraid of the dark until now.

I have no windows in my bedroom, so it's pitch black when I sleep and I'm fine with that. But today it was nerve-wracking to step out into the parking lot to my car which was shaded. I'm pretty sure it was because when I was assaulted, she came at me up the stairs from behind in the dark. I haven't been able to be outside in the dark the same way.

I used to love being outside in the dark because only then can you see the stars...and like every other 10-year old I used to want to be an astronaut.

Anyways, POSITIVELY, I can look at it like this. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm afraid to be in the dark; this will put me on guard and make me more aware of my surroundings which will also ensure my safety.  Another way I can look at this is to be conscious of what my fear is rooted in, and rationally explain my fear; I think this makes it less scary. I can't let one (albeit, scary) incident abolish my love of the stars or the peace of moonlight.

I can get into the metaphorical side of light and dark, but I'll leave it at this: I must be the light that guides me through this period of darkness.

And one of my favourite quotations: "There is not enough darkness in all the world to put out the light of even one small candle." -Robert Alden

Love Always,
~Christine~

Expectations and Feelings

Hello!

Welcome back...me! When I don't blog, I really forget how therapeutic it is. And I've really needed it these past few weeks.

So as a reminder...this is a blog about positivity. But I think that may have gotten me into some psychological trouble.

I got a job at a group home July 1st. I had never worked in the "field" of what I've studied, I just knew about group homes in a theoretical sense. As a result, I had different and naïve expectations of what it would be like. Friends and family asked, "Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" but I thought I knew everything. Like I said, very naïve.  So I worked a few overnight shifts, and nothing really interesting happened. Then I went on a vacation to Portugal which was great, but very different than I expected. So, to summarize: I have expectations, and they're not being fulfilled...this equals stress. Then it happened.

I was assaulted at work. I had to call 911 and press charges. HOLY SHIT. WTF.

I am angry. Frustrated. Hurt. Bewildered. I had a nervous breakdown. I should have expected it. Prepared for it. But I was in a state of mind where I had to be "positive" all the time...expect the best, not to worry because things always work out (I'll get to this one in another post), that bad things wouldn't happen to me because I have a bright future and I'm a good person.

The world soooo doesn't work like this. (I'm getting to the positive stuff in a sec).

So I've started seeing a counsellor. I didn't think I needed one before; I knew the theories and how it worked. I didn't need one...I could just counsel myself. YEAH RIGHT. 

It's actually amazing. I should have gone before, especially since it's free with the Blue Cross Plan I have as a City employee. I've come to the conclusion that I wasn't being positive in the healthiest manner. What I've discovered I'm doing is repressing my "negative" feelings (pretending they don't exist, thus bottling them away) and trying to replace the un-dealt-with void with "positive" feelings and rationalities. And I've noticed that I do this ALOT.

For example, I was feeling sad about being single. I don't like feeling sad...it's actually making me really uncomfortable even typing/admitting to this right now. But anyways, I would always just pretend I wasn't sad, and then remind myself of all the things I've got going on in my life (I'm moving to Australia in 4 months for medical school!!!) etc etc. And in all reality, it doesn't make sense to start any kind of romantic relationship right now anyways because I'm leaving so soon, but that doesn't make the sadness go away (or make it make sense). I pretended it wasn't there. But it was. It is.

So...I have to deal with these negative emotions and start expressing my feelings (this is a work in progress). As much as I don't want them to be there, they are. Apparently it's ok to be angry at someone AND appreciate them. I was differentiating them: I thought I shouldn't be angry because I appreciated them. But as my counsellor said, "Feelings ARE." I suppose what they are NOT is rational lol. But when they're dealt with, they go away and leave room for all the good stuff!! They don't bottle up like a little ticking time-bomb ready to explode at the tiniest bit of stress or trauma. And that's a very good thing. That's positive.

~Christine~ xoxo

Sweet

Hello!!

My, my, my, it's been a long time!! I'm truly sorry about that. Things have been INSANE!! April was a time for exams...2 A+s and 1A...yes all I did was study and stay up until 6:30am lol. Very crazy. May was a time for birthdays (4 of them in my family alone!) and for thinking. June was a time for scrambling!! I'll explain.

So...the previous post about not being there for Easter next year...well, that's going to be a reality. I'M GOING TO MEDICAL SCHOOL IN AUSTRALIA!!! Holy shit! This explains all the pensive thoughts of the previous months and wanting to be happy etc. My schooling will be very expensive though...it's going to cost me approx. $50 000/year for tuition alone (yikes!); so June was the month to scramble to arrange finances. But I have to do what makes me happy, and having my life finally on track makes me really happy.

This is a massive change though, and one I'll have to adapt to. I have no friends or family down under, so this will be a solitary journey. I still have much to think about, but I'm determined to look at it positively. I mean, I get to study medicine and prepare for the best job in the world in a sub-tropical climate, an hour away from the beach!! I get to study in a place where it rarely goes below 15C!! My school is ranked 28th in the world for medicine, and Princeton ranks at #27...I can't ask for more! So, although this is bittersweet, I'm going to focus more on the "sweet" part. :)

~Christine~

Changes

Hello!

I hope everyone had a great Easter! As my family and I sat down to have dinner and said a prayer of thanks, it hit me. I may not be there with them next year. Don't worry, I wasn't thinking morbid thoughts. But I'm going through some life changes, and I honestly don't know where I'll be a year from now.

Changes. I've never been one to like change. Change is terrifying to me.

But the only way I'll be able to get through these changes is with a positive attitude. There are always two sides to every story. There are also two ways to react to something. Either positively or negatively.

I choose to react in a positive way. Everything happens for a reason. I must have faith and believe that there is something bigger and better that I don't yet have the vision to see. As you can probably discern, I'm in another pensive state...these are happening more frequently than before! lol Maybe it's because I'll be turning 25 in just over a month...quarter of a century lol.

I have been thinking over the past month that I'm not where I want to be in my life; had you asked me 10 years ago at the tender age of 15, I would have had my entire life planned out. Well, that went to shit lol.

But I need to revise my thinking. I shouldn't be thinking where I'm not...but where I AM! I have opportunities that others don't, and I have to be grateful.

The key to positivity: Gratitude

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~

Being Happy

Hello!

So I have a new goal. My new goal is to be happy. I'm going to do whatever and anything that makes me happy. That's it. I think everyone should do whatever it is that makes them happiest...most of the time lol. I mean, I don't want to say that in general, because to a serial killer that means killing people...and that's not good! But for the general population and those who are mostly sane...do whatever makes you happiest! I love music. I love the art of writing music, composing music, playing and singing music...I just love music. And I love feeling music...feeling it pour through my body, and just feeling it. Given this, I also love dancing. I'm not a "dancer" by any means, but I love moving my body to music. So I went to a belly-dancing class tonight. I've done it before a few years ago (you'll come to know that I've tried alot of stuff before lol) and liked it, but never really got into it. I had so much fun! And that's exactly what I needed. I needed to just have FUN, you know? And it made me happy. Watching my God-given hips (I think He may have given me more than my fair share, but I digress haha!) sway in perfect sync with the music was just amazing haha. So I think I'm going to sign up for more classes!

I think when we do things that make us truly happy, we can't be anything but positive. You can't be in the middle of something you absolutely love doing and are enjoying and think negative thoughts...it just doesn't happen. Any negative thoughts I harboured before the class completely dissipated while I was in it. So this is a new goal of mine, and I'm excited about it!

Now, I thought of including something about removing the things that don't make you happy from your life, but it's more complicated. Adding something positive  results in more positive (+ and + = +). But removing something negative...also results in positive (- and - = +). However discussing the removal of something is really a negative thought. And I mean, realistically we all have to do things we don't like to do. So, I'm not going to talk about it. But if something is truly making you unhappy, either think of a way to do it so that it doesn't make you unhappy (ie: work) or just get rid of it from your life.

Life is too short to be miserable!! Don't waste precious time on things that make you miserable...this is also a recent revelation!

Thanks for reading!! xoxo

~Christine~

Patience

Patience is a virtue.

And one I'm not familiar with lol

I've never had much patience for anything...whether it be for a Barbie when I was little, or to learn something new. I always want everything NOW. My mom used to say, "Good things come to those who wait" as a way of teaching me to have patience. And it has, because I probably would have gone stark-raving mad by now! haha

But I do find I'm praying to God for patience more often than I'd like. I volunteered tonight and one of the girls was in a bitchy mood. She's the one who really wants to learn how to play, and she was getting catty. I don't like telling her to mind her manners...I just told her to "chill" a few times which seemed to work, but she was frustrated, and then I was frustrated...so alot of praying was happening in my head to just have patience with her. I know she's capable of so much more, but I have to be careful not to push and to just be patient with her.

My education is another example. I want to go to medical school NOW....but that isn't happening now, and God only knows why. Everything happens for a reason, right? That's how I'm keeping positive about this. Things take their own time to develop, no matter how hard you try to push. And if you do push it, alot of the time you're just pulling it backwards or just fucking it up entirely. Sometimes you just need to back off and let things happen on their own. So, I'm going to take my own advice and just chill out...let things progress on their own...let life progress on its own. I will work hard and I WILL get into medical school. It will happen. I will go volunteering and be there for these girls, and things WILL progress. I just have to let it happen in its own time :)

Lots of love & thanks for reading!!

~Christine~ xoxo

Confidence

Hello!

Alright, let's get into this business. There's this saying, "You fake it till you make it"...and I believe it's true.

I had a presentation to do Wednesday for my psychopharmacology class, and I'll be honest, I left it to the absolute last second. I finished it, but didn't have time to practice the delivery. So, I walk into class, chat with my classmates for a bit about school, men, and life in general lol and then I go up to the front of the class to do the presentation. I said a little prayer, told myself that I have a good vocabulary and should be able to come up with synonyms on the fly (prof hates it when we read the presentation) and winged (word??) it lol. AAAAAND the prof didn't tear me apart when I was finished like he did last time!! So that was a really good thing. So, moral of the story, I faked it, told myself I knew what I was doing, and it worked.

This is related to one of my earlier posts where I said that when you repeat something to yourself, you inevitably make it real. Like I've said before, this works for positive and negative things. Had I gone into that presentation thinking, "SHIT, how am I going to do this?! I'm totally gonna bomb it" I wouldn't have done nearly as well. So, I've come to the realization that I should be confident in all things I do. I usually am with things I can control, like my work, school, etc. lol. I mean, I can control myself, but I can't control the reactions of others. I can control what I look like, what I say, how I act...but how do I know how I'm received? This is where I lose confidence. And I don't want it to sound like I'm constantly monitoring all these things, because I don't. And I generally don't care what others think, but there are special circumstances where what a certain person(s) opinion of you matters (think prof/interviewer/boss/significant other), and that's where my confidence cracks.

But I've had a revelation. I can't control those things lol and I just have to accept it!! I need to know and believe that I'm an intelligent, accomplished, beautiful, awesome person...and I am!! I'm an incredible woman. I have purpose in this world. I rock. And you do also. Don't ever forget that :).

Lots of love & thanks for reading!

~Christine~ xoxo

Fear

F...E....A....R....

I've been suffering from this for a long time. Fear of what?

I like to pretend I'm invincible...courageous...infallible...but I'm not. I like people to think I'm strong. And I am...for others. I'm there for everyone...how could I not be? So why am I not there for myself?

As you can probably gather, I'm in another one of my pensive states. I'm afraid of alot of things. But the one thing I'm the most afraid of is failure. Failure of what? Fail at what?

Fail at my plans (I love plans....it's how I live my life lol I plan everything out haha). Fail at my dreams, goals. Fail for others...fail myself. I'm afraid of this. I'm afraid I'm not good enough...that I set the bar too high and will never reach it...that I'll never reach anything. That I'll be stagnant.

I'm afraid to trust. I'm afraid to trust others with pieces of me...what if they take and don't give back? It's happened before...many times to many people.

But this is a fucking POSITIVITY blog. So let's turn this baby around!

The only way you'll know how far you can go is to try...to venture forth. If I set the bar high it's because I can envision it. If I can envision it, then I can envision a way to get over it...whether I get stilts or a damn pole vault. I need to stop thinking about things that may NOT happen, and start thinking about things that CAN happen...WILL happen. People don't succeed by thinking that they might fail...they succeed by thinking they will succeed (Imagine that! lol). So I need to stop fearing failure...if I fail, at least I've discovered one way to do it and avoid it in the future! I think it was Benjamin Franklin who said that he didn't fail 999 times to create the light bulb, but found 999 ways NOT to make one (?? or something like that! lol).

And trust. When to let go of fear and just...trust? The greatest risks reap the greatest rewards. We can't go through life in a constant safe zone afraid to get hurt...if you do that, you'll never get anywhere.

F alse

E vidence

A ppearing

R eal

This is profound.

Thanks for reading! xoxo

~Christine~

Life is too short

Hello!

So, I've come to a conclusion. Life is short. REALLY SHORT. So short, that 5, 10, 20, 50 years will go by, and we'll go, HOLY SHIT where did the time go? I went shopping with a friend on Monday, and we wandered into the swimsuit section. I've worn tankinis since I was 18, being self-conscious of my belly pudge and thighs. However, being 24, I looked at a picture taken from that time, and I HAD A SIX-PACK! If I had the body I had when I was 18, I wouldn't even think TWICE about wearing a bikini. Ten years from now, I'm going to be asking myself why I thought what I did about my body now, and why I didn't just celebrate it...because it usually goes downhill from here lol. Now, I'm not saying that it WILL go downhill, or that I can't prevent it from going downhill, but that statistically speaking, it does. So, I'm going to wear a bikini this year even though I'm 20lbs heavier than I was when I was 18, simply because time flies...and before I know it, I'll have 4 kids, a busy job and life, and breasts down to my waist lol. CARPE DIEM!

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~

Valentine's Day

Hello!

So, it was Valentine's Day yesterday. It's bittersweet for me. Bitter because I've never had a sweetie when this day comes around...sweet because it's nice to see people acting all cheesy and loving towards each other, and it's just too rare of a thing nowadays. I'm not going to lie, I've been very bitter about Valentine's Day in the past, and even wished people an "Un-Valentine's Day" (lame, I know). But you'll be proud of me when I say that this year I turned over a new leaf. I wasn't bitter at all. I just vegged out, and watched Canada win their first Olympic Gold Medal on home soil (WOO HOO!!!!). Wished my parents, grandparents, & brother a Happy Valentine's Day, and that was it. So I think that's a positive thing. I also went to see the movie "Valentine's Day" in theatres with one of my friends, and it was sooo good!! We really do need more love in this world.

Thanks for reading! :)

~Christine~

Frustration

Hello!

I am very frustrated right now. I downloaded Windows7, expecting it to be this amazing program. I just got this new Samsung laptop at the end of August (after having my Toshiba Satellite for 4 years) and with it came Windows Vista. It took a little while to figure out how to use it, but I got the hang of it and wondered why everyone complained about it so much. Anyways, I watched the demo for Windows 7 when they first announced it and I was pretty excited. So I finally received the program in the mail last week, installed it this weekend...and my CD/DVD drive doesn't work! I pop a CD into the drive...and nothing happens. It worked for awhile (I was able to re-install my anti-virus program), and now nothing happens! It was working perfectly fine before I installed this new operating system. So, I've been trying to re-update the damn thing...but it's not reading the disc!! So I'm really frustrated.

But I have options! I've been looking online for solutions (none of them have worked) and I still have the option of going to Futureshop and having them look at it (I just bought this laptop in August!) or calling Samsung and being like WTF. So all is not lost. I should have just spent the extra money and gotten a Macbook...but I've never used one before, and that's kind of scary. The specs on this Samsung were really good, especially for the price $899.00, so I'm really disappointed right now. Then again, I was reading the forums and alot of people have been experiencing this problem. So I'm not alone!! I hope I can figure this out soon though. I promised one of the girls in the group home that I'd burn her a copy of the New Moon soundtrack, so she'll be super upset and disappointed if I show up without it...not to mention my goal is for her to feel comfortable enough around me that she'll feel like she's able to talk to me. So, wish me luck!!

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~

Results & Music

Hello!

So, the results of my allergy test are in. I am allergic to: nickel, cobalt (these are both metals), fragrance (a blend of fragrances added to products such as detergent etc), and "Balsam of Peru" which according to my allergy fact sheet is "a natural mixture of resins and essential oils" and these are commonly found in citrus peels (AKA lemon peel, lime peel, grapefruit peel :'( ). So it was the lemon and lime essence in the Rocky Mountain "Summer Lemonade" that gave me hives :(. This is very sad for me, as I LOOOVE fragrances and citrus scents are some of my favourites. A friend of mine said that I should also be careful about things that contain citrus peel in them (like food and dressings etc). The biggest reaction was that from nickel, but I already know I was super allergic...I think it's the worst also because I've been more exposed to it. ***Positive thing: if a guy tries to pass off fake jewelery for the real thing, I'll be able to tell in about 10 minutes, then dump his cheap ass haha*** Here's a picture 4 days after the patch was removed (sorry if it grosses you out)...it's actually better than it was at first. I've already switched my laundry detergent and fabric softener to "Tide Free" and "Downy Free" which is fragrance and dye free. I was told to be careful of things that say they are "unscented" and "hypoallergenic" as these products will actually still have fragrance they use to mask an unpleasant scent. Anyways, I was super worried about this fragrance free business with my laundry, as I LOOOVE the smell of fresh laundry. But I figured I really don't have a choice as the rashes aren't fun. So, I washed them, and I was SOOOO SURPRISED!!! My clothes smelled sooo good! They just smelled CLEAN. So, I'm in love with this new detergent and fabric softener...they smell like shit when you smell them directly from the bottle, but when you take the clothes out of the dryer, they smell soo good. So that was positive :).

On a different note, I start one of my volunteering positions tomorrow right after work. My position is essentially as a youth mentor in a group home with 3 teenage girls. Two of the three want to learn how to play piano...the organization has been looking for a piano lessons for these girls for awhile, and it's just too expensive. When she noticed that I'm classically trained, she jumped on the chance...free lessons! lol So, I'll be a mentor/piano teacher for them since they want to learn. It's really exciting, but really scary too. I've never taught piano before...I've taken piano from the ages 6-17, but to be honest I'm pretty rusty. I sat at the piano for a good hour and a half tonight warming up, and re-learning a few songs to play to them, and I can tell you my forearms are going to be sore tomorrow lol. So there's the aspect that I could totally embarrass myself. The second is that these girls are survivors...at 15 years old, they've had a really hard life...they've experienced things I can't even imagine, so I feel like I'm out of my element. But one of the best ways to get to know yourself is to be uncomfortable and just forge ahead. And although my mission with this blog is to be a more positive person and learn about myself, I can't think of a better way to do this than to be an active positive influence in another's life :).

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~

Fire on the Arm

Hello!

So I don't have to worry about the test not being sensitive enough. OMG. I didn't think the itching was that bad last night...more of a passing annoyance. What I didn't realize until this morning is that I took 2 Advils last night after my class because I had a massive headache! So that brought the inflammation down, which would also reduce the itching. So there is definitely something going on. I can feel heat radiating from the bandage...it's so hot, that I took off one of my shirts (I layered) and wore a tank top for the last part of the day. It's so itchy, I was unconsciously rubbing my arm against random surfaces and not even realizing it! I can't scratch it, so I slap it instead...that's what I was told to do when I got my tattoo and couldn't scratch when it was super itchy...I even made my own ice pack to wear this afternoon lol. But the good (positive) thing is that I get to take this off in a little over 8 hours, slather on some super strong cortisone cream, take an antihistamine, and go back to normal. AND I'll finally know at least partly why I get the random rashes. Woo hoo! :)

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~

Arm on Fire

Hello!

Sorry, I've been so busy I almost forgot about writing here. My bad.

So I went to see an allergist today to figure out about my skin allergies. Over the past year, my skin has become really sensitive. I have been breaking out from random rashes over different things that touch my skin. For example, I'll buy a lip balm, use it for 2 days, then get blisters on my lip! (Sooo attractive, I know haha) So I'm driving to the allergist's office this morning, and because it was snowing people drive like they're 90 years old (extremely slowly). So I phone to let them know that I'll be 5-10 minutes late, and the receptionist goes, "that doctor's not in today"...what?! So I was a bit peeved because I took time off for this appointment, just in case something went awry and I ended up getting sick...and I don't like it when my plans get messed up. So I was about to turn around, but the positive aspect?? She got me in with another doctor! Which is good because I haven't heard many good things about the doctor I was going to see anyways. So it all worked out! (even though I had to wait a few hours and didn't get out until well after lunch)

So, my arm's been on fire all day. I have about 30 diskettes taped to my upper left arm, and it's swollen and itchy. Positive thing: I'll finally figure out some of what I'm allergic to! One fear I have though is that I know one of the discs is nickel (and I'm very allergic to nickel), so I hope it's not just that one that's itchy...I just don't want it to show that I'm not allergic to anything else because I know that there are other things. I guess I'm just fearful of the test not being sensitive enough. But to think POSITIVELY, if it's not conclusive they can do a skin-prick test instead of just a transdermal one. So that's good!

I will keep you posted on the results! :)

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~

Defeat

Hello!

I admit it. I've been defeated. As hard as I've tried...Vector Geometry just got the best of me. I sat down to really work at the assignment. I sat, and I read everything thoroughly (no skimming here!)...and I tried to understand...I read again...tried question 1. I got through part a and then part b. I look at part c...what the fuck. I read back on my notes...nowhere to be found. My heart rate goes up, I'm starting to sweat. I re-read the section. I see everything about parallel lines, but nothing about perpendicular lines. SHIT. Is there something I'm missing? Do I have to read between the lines? I'm still sweating. Now, I'm all flushed and I can just FEEL my hair frizzing.

And this is only question 1 of assignment 1.

Then I try to calm myself down, skip part 1c and see how question 2 goes. I go to section 'a'...WTF. The notes don't tell you how to figure out components of a vector from two points in 3-dimensional space...it just starts talking about adding vectors in 3-dimension. My heart rate goes up again...I start sweating again.

FUCK.

You know what? This vector geometry class isn't worth getting panic attacks over. Yes, I paid about $400.00 for the class; no, I will not get my money back if I drop it. But I could have been working on the presentation I have to do this coming week for my 4th-year Psychology honours seminar class in the 1.5 hours I spent hacking away at the material for this math class...and I don't need the class for anything! And you know what's positive about all this? I'm not going to let this "defeat" reflect back on me. Math should not be offered as a "Distance Ed" class anyways...at least not this class. And I know I'm good at math...really good at math. And I'm not going to let this "defeat" make me think I suck at math, because I don't. As for what I said before about wanting to be a doctor and not being able to tackle Vector Geometry...well I tackled it alright, but it kicked the shit out of me. And I'm smart enough to know that letting go of something does not mean giving up. I'm letting go of the idea that in order for me to succeed as a physician, I'll have to know everything, and be good at everything. Sure a few people are genius, but a very rare few can do everything. For example, I'd like to see my oral surgeon give me an oil change, swim the English channel, bike the Tour de France, and paint something to be hung in the Louvre.

Another positive thing: it's OK to not be good at EVERYTHING :).

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~

Two-faced math

Hello!

I'm a procrastinator. You see it in almost everything I do. When waking up, I procrastinate getting my ass out of bed. When I have an assignment due, I wait until the last week, day...sometimes even hour to hand it in. They say that you accomplish 90% of your task in the last 10% of time you were allotted to complete it. And I believe it! However, if we never had due dates, I don't think anyone would accomplish anything. And I don't mean due dates that are imposed on us, but also those we impose on ourselves. For example, committing to pay your credit card off by this date; completing this assignment by this date, etc. And then you do what it takes to get that goal accomplished.

I'm struggling with completing a math assignment. And this really bothers me. It's a first year class, and I have NEVER had an issue with math...EVER. From elementary school to Calculus, math has been my friend and has always come easily. So I'm signing up for courses, and I figure to raise the good 'ol GPA I could take a math class. Already did calculus, so I look through the course list and see, "Vector Geometry and Linear Algebra" and sign up for it the day before the revision period ends. I figure, piece of cake...triangles...trig...no problem. Last Sunday I actually open my notes to start on an assignment due tomorrow...and that is the hardest freaking shit I have ever seen in my life!! This should not be classified in MATH, but in PHILOSOPHY!!! There are no numbers ANYWHERE!! It's all relations! Like, if line AB is half the size of BC, then prove blah blah blah about AC...WTF?! So, I'm really struggling because it's not like following rules and numbers like math is SUPPOSED to be, but more like the philosophy behind it all...which like I've said, should be called "Philosophy of Mathematics" and neatly classified in the department of Philosophy. Not to mention that we briefly touched on it in grade 10 I think...that's like over 10 years ago!! So, I'm all stressed out, and my hair is awry and my face is flushed because I'm so FRUSTRATED...I'm still on section 1.2...So I was going to drop the course because I don't need it, and it's stressing me out and making me doubt my intelligence.

But then I paused. Took a deep breath. Cleared my head. Thought. How can this class be a positive thing in my life? What's positive about this class? If I slow down and actually read the notes instead of skim them and think I know everything (which I'll admit I'm guilty of doing...) I should understand it. And if I still don't understand it, there will be resources elsewhere I can use (public library, university library, that professor I'm paying to teach the class...lol). And then I think, I'm going to be a doctor...what the hell kind of physician am I going to be that I don't even have the balls to tackle Vector geometry and Linear algebra?!?!?! Not one I'd want to see, that's for sure!! haha So I've decided to stay in the course to challenge myself. I mean, how great will it be to work my ass off for this and score an A+?!?!?! Really fucking great, I think :).

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~

iPad

Hello!

So I arrived to work on time today (woo hoo! That's my goal...to always be on time. My mom often says the only occasion I was early was for my birth, as I was 1 month premature, and that I've been making up for it the rest of my life haha), so the day started good. But I've been anticipating the launch of Apple's new "tablet" for a few weeks now, as I was made to understand that it would be Apple's solution to the eReader and compete with Amazon's kindle. So I watched Apple's launch of it...and I want it. I've never wanted a gadget so bad in my life!! My birthday is in May, just when their 3G version gets released (conveniently!), and I'm on a mission. I'm going to get my parents to buy me one for my birthday. It starts at $499.00USD (but I want 32-64GB and 3G network capability...so $729-829USD), so I think it's a bit pricey for a birthday gift...but how many times am I going to celebrate being alive for a quarter of a century?!?!?! (Don't answer that ha ha!) And they can collaborate with my grandparents and uncle...very manageable :D. So I think new technology is always a positive thing. And hey, my blog can't be so serious ALL the time LOL.

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~

Treats

Hello!

I haven't really done any "active" positive reminiscing today, but some good things did happen. Work has been difficult for people recently, as morale has been a bit low...people are taking sick days more often, coming in late to work more often, that kind of thing. Today we had  blizzard conditions this morning and most of the highways into the city were closed all day (with good reason!) so those who come from outside the city didn't come into work.

I got to work early (surprising, I know!) because I left really early as I tend to get stuck in the street just off my driveway when there's alot of snow (the perils of living on a bay), and I didn't want to be late as they're really monitoring everyone now. And the head supervisor comes in a few minutes past 8:30am in a super good mood and just really happy and grateful to those who did make it into work today. It was so busy that they asked us if we could work through our lunch break, but you know what? She bought all of us pizza, salad, and breadsticks for lunch. Everyone was so happy! Since we've all been so stressed, and feeling overworked and micromanaged, this small gesture was really needed and appreciated :).

On a side note, I've gained 6 lbs in 2 weeks!! *gasp* Now, I'm going to be honest...eating almost half a batch of delicious oatmeal chocolate chip cookies probably contributed to that, so I'm really seriously considering a yoga class (...and using the gym membership I pay $50/month for!!). Two of my good friends go to a yoga class Saturday mornings (bleh), but the gym I go to offers free yoga, so I'm going to look into that first. See, that's being positive, right?? Even though I gained so much weight in so little time, getting back on the right track is the right thing to do instead of sulking...and eating more cookies lol. (Oh shut up, don't tell me you've never done it lol)

So that's that :)

Thanks for reading!!

~Christine~

We have it better than others

Hello!

One thing I think is important to remind ourselves of, is that things could always get worse than they are. This may seem like a negative thought, but it's more of a reminder to be positive about where you are in life. This is how I keep things in perspective. For example, right now in Haiti, they have NOTHING. And they were hit with another aftershock yesterday morning. Orphanages are still crumbling on top of children; there is hardly any food or water; no shelter; the prison has collapsed, so people sleep in fear of their lives. We could have it worse. There will always be people who are more evil, others who are more petty, selfish, and mean, others who have less money and more debt, others who have less food and water. And I have to remind myself all the time when I feel sorry for myself that this is the case.

However, this is not easy (this blog is called a challenge for a reason lol). It seems to be easier now that I'm not feeling sorry for myself; but had you told me this last week, I may have thought to myself for you to "Fuck off" as I was in pain. And it's ok to feel shitty; it's ok to feel like the world is going to end; it's ok to feel lost and like things can't/won't get better. But keep this thought in the back of your head so that when the dust settles and you can start to see the sun again, you will be able to grasp it.

As most of you know, I LOOOOOVE Bon Jovi! So here are the lyrics to one of my favourite songs, from the "Have A Nice Day" album. It's quite inspirational, and it's one of those songs that lifts me up when I feel down :). You should all have a listen.

"Welcome To Wherever You Are"
By: Bon Jovi

Maybe we're all different but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be

If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in and you're left out
And you feel you're drowning in the shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say

When it's seems you're lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different; just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be

Be who you want to be
Be who you are
Everyone's a hero
Everyone's a star

When you want to give up and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect; God makes no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
And I say welcome…
I say welcome…
Welcome…

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~

What You Say = What You Believe = Who You Are

Hello!

One interpretation of positivity: "There is not enough darkness in all the world to put out the light of one small candle" - Robert Alden

So I have another theory. Or I've reached another epiphany. Sort of. I guess it's the idea of "Mantra". If you repeat something enough, you'll end up believing it, which will ultimately shape who you are. Marketing and advertising use this technique. If you see a commercial enough times, eventually you'll buy into what they're advertising. I'm not gonna lie...there's only so many times I can see a cheeseburger (my favourite!!) on TV before I desperately want one...this is why I hate seeing food commercials while I'm busting my ass at the gym. But I digress.

This is not by all means a new concept. On the contrary, it's a very old concept but one that you've always known and that's stored and buried in the back of your head. So, I've decided to dig it up and explore it further. Like I said above, when you're repeatedly exposed to an idea or concept over and over again, you start to believe it whether or not it's really true. Actually in my "Memory" class, the Professor told us about this study that showed that when people were presented with false evidence of events that happened to them in the past (but really didn't), something like 25% of the people reported to actually remember that occasion! For example, if I photoshopped a picture of you at 6 years old on a hot air balloon ride with your family and showed you that picture (even if it never happened) about 25% of people would genuinely say they remembered the occasion. Memory is a funny thing. And this is scientific evidence that it works!!

Anyways, my point is that if you tell yourself something enough times, you will ultimately end up believing it. How do you think those people on American Idol actually believe they can sing?! lol I bet it's through this concept. So whether we believe it or not, if we tell ourselves something enough times, we will believe it. And when we actually believe it, it will shape who we are. Now with many great things, come great responsibility. This can work in both a positive and negative way. This is how people come to believe they are worthless, even though it is obviously false. I'm not being negative, but realistic. However, since this is a blog about positivity, I'm only going to touch on the positive aspects.

If we wake up in the morning and say, "I'm going to have a great day today" before we even open our eyes, chances are it's probably going to be better than saying, "Ugh, today's going to be total shit". Even if there's a mountain of snow, -40C, or 8:10AM when you wake up, and you genuinely believe that it's going to be a shitty day, repeatedly saying "It's going to be a great day" (according to the above concept) will eventually lead you to believe it's going to be a good day, and because you look at it as such...it probably will be!

So that's going to be one of my mini-goals: regurgitating positive phrases. I'll call it my "Positive Mantra". And I think this is going to be the easiest thing I can do to stay positive; just concentrating on the words and knowing that the feelings and results will occur just because I've put the effort into saying the words. (I should try this with the lottery lol.)

I read this before I posted it, and realized that what I've been posting has been pretty 3rd person - I haven't really gotten into specifics, and I apologize. I'm getting in the groove of this blog thing, and at the same time, I'm trying to be professional about things (not mentioning specific events or people). But I'll try my best. So I think I'm going to start out with small things like, "I'm a good person" and "I deserve [insert here]". Then once I get used to that, I can become a bit more prophetic (about myself, not the world...that's God's job) and say things like, "I will get A+s in all my classes" and "I will be [at this point in my life] by [this time]". But I think I'm going to start with the small stuff first.

Side note: Maybe I should try yoga on a regular basis. Doesn't yoga use mantras? I'll keep you posted on that :).

~Christine~
P.S. I'm going to try and make the posts shorter lol