Bittersweet

Hello,

Sorry I've been away...it feels like forever, but it's only been 3 days! I'm going to keep this short and bittersweet.  It's easy to be positive when things are going the way you want them to. Monday started off great. I phoned a professor to ask about enrolling in an honours seminar course, and thought, "I'm a great student. Even though I'm not interested in doing a Master's degree, they should take me, and it'll be super interesting. It'll be great!" So I phoned the Department head, he said he didn't have a problem with it, then I phoned the prof and he arranged so that I could take it. So that was good...the day started off great!

Then I received some very bad news late Monday afternoon. I'm not going to get in the specifics, because I'm not entirely sure if it's set in stone, or just a minor setback. This is why I'm not completely freaking out. The thing is, I feel like complete and utter shit. And to tell you the truth, it's really REALLY hard to be in a positive frame of mind when you're feeling THIS shitty. All I want to do is crawl in a hole, and wallow. Pathetic? Definitely. Yes, I know that billions of people have it worse than I do. I know that I'm doing pretty well in my life. Am I happy? No. Am I satisfied? No. Why not? Maybe it's because I grew up in a privileged society where we are used to getting what we want. And right now, I don't have what I want. Could it change? For sure. But right now...it sucks. And it's really hard being positive. This is not easy. What can I say?

The above paragraphs were written Monday night, and I didn't publish it because I didn't think it to be appropriate for a "Positive" blog. I broke down...and when I say broke down, I mean flat on my face in a pile of poo lol (OK, maybe not literally). I went as low as I have ever gone. Could I have gone lower? Yes. But I hit a new low Monday night. But I got through it. I'm holding onto the positive thought that things will turn around and that whatever is happening right now is just prefacing what will happen in the future. This is a positive and optimistic thought, and I'm proud for harbouring it right now. But as much as I'm thinking about this, I'm still in pain. As I know I'm one of the most privileged people in the world (I live in Canada...enough said), and I have water, food, shelter, peace, and I'm not physically disfigured (some say even attractive), I'm healthy, I have a loving family and great friends, I'm University educated, it still hurts. What's worse, is that I feel shitty for even feeling like this, despite my relative good fortune.

Things have changed the past few days. An earthquake hit Haiti, and people are in disaster. Makes me think I have it damn good over here, as miserable as I think I am. So, what I think I'm going to take away from this, is the feeling of gratitude. Being grateful for what I have, the opportunities I'm presented with, and the freedom I have as a Canadian citizen.

I apologize if this is a rather somber post, and not as short as I promised, but I hope the silver lining is at least evident :).

Thanks for reading!

~Christine~